A Lack of Colour

Nathalia — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 19:46:59 +0000

Lesson 5: Sometimes happiness is not knowing the whole story.

—Hector & The Search for Happiness

January’s been full of deceit & manipulation, never in my life have I felt more…used and cheated.
Heart feels really heavy and plastic-y. Do people find it fun to lie in my fuckin’ face? If you wanna lie, at least lie better, and lie all the way? So I won’t have to find out??

Cannot wait for F-fucking-YP to finish, and for my life / travel / business plans to finally resume / begin.

Nathalia — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 17:31:57 +0000

When they come knocking on your heart’s door
Choose the one who loves you more, oh
And when you’ve found something to die for
(it can make you face all your fears)
They’ll be knocking on your heart’s door

Nathalia — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 08:33:44 +0000

The smell of freedom—stronger and stronger every day!
(lovin’ my Pulau Ubin pictures!)

Nathalia — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 07:05:33 +0000

Oh the good ol’ days—can’t wait for March 2!!!

Nathalia — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 09:16:07 +0000

We all make mistakes, we do
I learnt from you

2012: Priorities

Nathalia — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 21:22:50 +0000

In no order of importance,

1. Start / Complete Project 01 /02 /03
2. Finally finish up with my room in Jakarta
3. Travel plans (Europe / Bali / etc)
4. Driving license
5. Registered company
6* Plan out sister’s wedding!
7. Cut down (better yet, quit!) on unhealthy substances
8. To not be afraid of / to love
9. Laugh more
10. Be happy / positive in whatever I do, and have fun

*I am extremely excited about my sister’s wedding! Even though I’m probably going to be overwhelmed with responsibilities and things to do because… I will be the maid-of-honour!! After broken hearts and LDRs, I feel extremely happy and at ease, that my beloved sister finally found her happiness :’) (makes me kinda hopeful)

Here’s to a great year ahead!

Spring cleaning

Nathalia — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 06:49:48 +0000

Do not need people that will only make me feel bad about myself / overthink / unhappy—life is too damn short, time passes too damn fast, and I, am too damn busy.

I know I deserve more than the bottom of your shoe.

Nathalia — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 20:38:56 +0000

Is it only by staying through till the end that I’m not considered a quitter? I am not here anymore. There is no more fire, no excitement, nothing NOTHING ANYMORE but the anticipation of its ending, and it gets more arduous as each day pass…

Possibly postponing my stay here in Jakarta. ~~There’s just too much going through my mind…~~

[edit] Just realized—WHY THE FUCK AM I EMO ON NEW YEAR’S EVE?!?!?! I have 20 bottles of wine waiting for me downstairs! Nyehehehehe, and in case I can’t wish everyone on time (phone is hidden deep in the abyss that is my bag),

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!! <3

Nathalia — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 20:34:01 +0000

“I want my things. I want my arm with the hot iron scar. I want my leg with the flea bite. Yeah, I want my things. I want my calloused feet and quick language back in my mouth. I want my own things. How I loved them. Somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff and I was standing there looking at myself the whole time. It wasn’t a spirit that ran off with my stuff. It was a man whose ego walked ’round like Rodan’s shadow. It was a man faster than my innocence. It was a lover I made too much room for. Almost ran off with all my stuff and the one running with it don’t know he got it. I’m shouting, “This is mine!” and he don’t even know he got it. My stuff is the anonymous ripped-off treasure of the year. Did you know somebody almost got away with me? Me, in a plastic bag under his arm. Me, Juanita Sims. Somebody almost walked off with all my stuff.”

“And then you went back after you put my heart in the bottom of your shoe. You just walked back to where you hurt and I didn’t have nothing. So I went to where somebody had something for me, but none of them were you.”

—For Colored Girls, 2010

Find / Fix / Save

Nathalia — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:07:31 +0000

(I probably have said this many times before) I need a getaway—I need to get away, somewhere, anywhere, alone. Even though I’m missing everyone terribly.

Many things to reconsider—priorities to rethink, people I trust, and also find out, why it takes so much effort for me to just be happy—why most of the time, I have to settle for just being okay. Why I have to let things get to me, even when I have chosen to seek for light.

I need 2012 to be different.